Back in the day, fathers were usually banned from the labor room until there was a clean and bundled baby ready to show. Birth was women’s business, and men had no place. Not so today – fathers are invited, maybe even expected, to be present for the birth of their children. This can lead to wonderful bonding experiences, but it can also leave partners feeling overwhelmed or wondering what they should do. Here are my top five tips for partners supporting their loved one in labor. (Note: This post is addressing partners in a loving relationship at the time of birth. I recognize that isn’t always going to be the case, and I will address giving birth alone in another blog post.)

1. Work with your doula. Your doula is an expert in labor support, but you are the person most bonded with the baby’s mother and invested in the outcome of this birth. You and the doula each bring something unique and important to the support team, so this go best when you work together to support your loved one. Your doula can help recommend positions and comfort measures and show you how to help. Or the doula can take responsibility for some of the physical support tasks, leaving you free to focus on being there for your partner.
2. Be present and loving. Remember, you are the person in the room with the emotional connection to the person giving birth. That connection is so important to making her feel safe and, in turn, supporting the release of oxytocin that helps the labor to progress. So hold her hand, be close to her face, and remind her how much you love her and are there for her.
3. Help support spiritual peace and physical relaxation. Pray together, play music, read encouraging words. Run a bath, give a comforting massage, let her rest on your shoulder and “slow dance.” Anything that supports relaxation, especially between contractions, and helps preserve energy for when it is needed.
4. Expect to see and hear a different side of your partner. As labor progresses, chances are your serene and beautiful partner will start to act like someone you don’t know. Instead of polite requests you may get short commands or your hand slapped away when the massage that was feeling good suddenly doesn’t feel good any more. You may see and hear signs of pain that are difficult to observe in a loved one. Try to be steady and calm, recognizing that this is part of the process, as your partner’s focus becomes more intense and internalized. Your presence is even more important now than ever, and chances are that soon you will both be overwhelmed with new feelings as you admire and welcome your baby into the world.
5. Gather and connect with your own support team. Birth is an intense experience for everyone involved, and this may be especially the case for partners. You may feel excitement, fear, concern, pride, and a crazy mix of these strong emotions. Your doula is also there to support you and help you navigate your own emotions while maintaining a calm presence for your loved one.

Supporting your partner through labor is a powerful way to deepen your bond and share in the joy of welcoming your baby. By working together with your doula, you’ll form a powerful team to create a supportive environment that enhances this life-changing experience for both of you.